a745

First off, to those wondering, no, I haven't stopped designing. It's just that class has already started, and I've been a bit busy. We're only a week in and they're bombarding us with a whole lot of things to do and study.

But first, a little thanks is in order:

To those who still remember, I actually started the shirts thing because I lost my Medical school scholarship. My family and I were in a tight bind on where to find enough money for it. If you guys will remember, my tuition fee per semester is roughly $2500. It's around $500 per month. Not exactly cheap.

I'm happy to report that I've successfully enrolled myself around two weeks ago, so I'm continuing school successfully! With a some hard work from my parents' part, a little help from relatives, and my earnings from my shirt sales, I was able to get myself fully paid for this semester. There's still the issue of next semester, but right now I'm just happy enough that I'm still in school.

And I seriously could not have done it without you guys. From all the sales, I was able to earn two months worth of tuition. I gave this to my Dad, and he cried right in front of me. Cried so much. That I was doing something to help them out, and at the same time crying because I had to resort to something like this when he said that they should be the one doing the work.

But I don't care. I was able to help out, and that was because of all of you. Again, thank you very, very much. You guys have no idea how happy this makes me, and how pumped up I am for Med school again. I swear, I'll get back my scholarship.

That said, I didn't think the shirts thing would be so popular. I've actually been getting a lot of requests, too, which are still in queue (but I promise they're being worked on) mainly because of school. But I do work on them when I have spare time (though that's somewhat rare). I won't exactly quit making designs, but right now school is my top priority, so designs might come out in a very slow rate. I said I'd come out with a few designs last week, but I wasn't satisfied with the finished product that I scrapped them all and started again . Now there are like… 8 pending for the Tales of Series, 2 for Legend of Korra and a whole bunch for Uta no Prince-sama even.

Again, thank you very, very much.

And if you're a fan of Tales, The Legend of Korra and The Avengers, have a look at my shirts here! www.redbubble.com/people/a745

Class is starting once again, and I'm... not exactly feeling great about it. The first day of class has our so-called "opening ceremonies," where the faculty welcomes the first years and the Dean's Listers and scholars get recognized.

Yup, you know why I'm scared.

I had planned on skipping out on the ceremonies. I didn't really want to attend because, I'll go right at it, I don't want to hear them not announce my name in that list of scholars and have people wonder why I'm not on the list anymore. As much as I felt like I could do this, that I could carry on and start anew with renewed confidence and strength, that scholarship was something I had for five long years. As much as I think I've moved on from it, the more I realize that I probably haven't.

And then I find out we HAVE to be at the ceremonies, 'cause the 2nd year coordinator will be announcing stuff for us, etc. That, and a couple of my group mates will be getting recognition for being in the top 1 and top 2 of the whole batch - that's actually something I don't want to miss since I'm proud of them - two smartest yet still humble and kind people I've ever met btw.

And I'm just going to... I dunno... I'm just uncomfortable and sad by it all.

Oh well, it's not or never. I'll try my best to face this head on. The last thing I want to show is that I'm weak about this thing.

Ever since the whole scholarship-lost fiasco, I feel like I've been in a standstill.

Okay, so I'm still active in my fandoms. But that's because these are practically the only things that make me move. That make me go on and smile.

The past two weeks, all I've been doing is looking through fandom-related stuff and just sleep. That's it. That's all I ever do. No motivation whatsoever to do the other things I'm supposed to do.

I feel so unmotivated to do anything else.

Except the shirt designs, but I have logical motivation for that.

Seriously, I don't know anymore.

In reference to my previous journal. Yeahp, I officially just lost my scholarship.

Finally got to talk to the Dean. Drama ensued.

I wasn't able to talk to the Dean on the day I said I'd go to school, but her secretary told me to come the next day at 7:30. When I arrived, another person was also there, waiting for her. Apparently, she was also filing an appeal, though for her, it was to be enrolled in our school (her grades weren't within the school quota).

At 7:45, the Dean arrived. I was surprised because she seemed pissed. Apparently, it wasn't "office hours" so she wasn't supposed to entertain us. Plus, she had to leave for another school for some business at 8am.

Regardless, she did talk to us, but… well, let's not say that's not the Dean I know. She, well… yeah, I'd rather not talk about it, but her outburst may have been due to just being too stressed. This time is the busiest time for her, too.

When she talked to me, she was also still pissed. To be honest, it did hurt my feelings and my pride a bit when she said "You should know where you stand. Others don't ask for an appeal because they know where they do stand. I'm surprised you even had the guts to ask for an appeal!"

When she said that, I just sadly hung my head and replied, "I do know where I stand, but my parents still don't."

She mellowed down right after I said that. And as expected, an appeal is impossible with the grades I got, as well as some other internal issue between the Foundation and our school that I didn't know about. It really shocked me. Apparently, our Foundation hasn't exactly been bringing out money for our tuition. It's been the school who has been covering it the whole time. Because of this, there's some sort of internal conflict between the school board members when it comes to scholars of that Foundation. I admit, I'm a bit disappointed.

Anyway, the best thing I could ask for an appeal for is if I do better this sophomore year, perhaps they could take me back for third year.

After that, I calmed down the person with me because the Dean practically made her cry. I assured her that our Dean really isn't like that - she's just stressed. The girl did say that she wasn't used to being yelled at and humiliated in front of people.

So I get home, break the news to my Dad, and though he accepts it, he still looks pissed. In fact, he gets angry with me. You see, when I told the Dean earlier, she said I should have applied for the school grant for the financially needy. I was thinking of it, but I found out about the grant too late (i.e. on the day of the deadline…).

Later, I found out that he had actually considered transferring me to another school. And then it just started piling up. You guys remember in this post that I was almost mugged? You guys know what my Dad said after that? He just goes "Oh, OK, so did you talk to the Dean about the scholarship?"

I just… I just… AUGH.

I keep telling my Med school classmates that I love them all and really I can't believe I found friends like them and how UGH I HATE MY COLLEGE CLASSMATES because all they ever looked at for me was that I was a scholar, and nothing else?

Yeah, that's something I also always tell my parents. And like Mom noted, I'm much happier in med, I made better friends than in college AND THEN DAD PROPOSES I TRANSFER TO A CHEAPER SCHOOL.

I'm like FUCK NO.

Sorry for the language.

What I don't aughghghgh understand is why Dad won't ask help from others, or instead of UGH WE DON'T HAVE MONEY WE'RE GONNA DIE mode he could help Mom with work (Dad's unemployed).

His problem is he burdens the problem alone,and instead of thinking of an actual solution, he just dwells on the problem itself.
But dad's like NOOOOO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRANSFER TO ANOTHER SCHOOL
YES DAD, GO, BLATANTLY FORGET THE FACT THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 4 YEARS, I'M FINALLY WITH PEOPLE I WANNA BE WITH, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 4 YEARS I DON'T HAVE TO FORCE A SMILE TO PEOPLE I WANT TO KICK IN THE BEHIND OR FORCE MY GRADES UP BECAUSE PROFS EXPECT ME TO GET GOOD GRADES AND ALL THAT SO I JUST GOTTA LIVE WITH IT 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW MY COLLEGE CLASSMATES/TEACHERS REALLY THINK, THAT MY ONLY REDEEMING QUALITY WAS MY BLOODY SCHOLARSHIP.

I mean, I already threw away all my pride for that talk with the Dean. Like the Dean said, I KNOW WHERE I STAND, yet I THREW THAT ALL AWAY so that I could ease my parents worries.

And this is what I get?

Just. UGH.

I spent the whole afternoon crying that day. I just couldn't stop crying. To the point that I started hyperventilating, gasping for air. I couldn't even breathe anymore. Mom wanted to call Dad but I told her not to.

Sad thing is Dad doesn't know that I was pissed at him. Why? Because whenever I talk to Dad about my feelings and all that, it always boils down to two things: 1.) He'll yell all YOU CAN'T TALK LIKE THAT TO YOUR FATHER no matter how I try to reason out. Lesson in life: It's the adults who are always right. and 2.) He goes emo. He gets depressed easily when we go against him even in the slightest bit, and he'll start thinking that perhaps we don't love him anymore. As much as I got pissed at him, that's something I don't want seeing him do.

And even if I'm pissed, I'm still continuing the T-shirts thing. 'Cause in the end, everything is still, partly, my fault. It's those feelings of regret, that maybe I could have done better. Maybe. Just maybe.

So again, to all those who've bought my shirts, thanks so much. I really do appreciate it.

So, I never did explain why I needed money all of a sudden for my tuition fee (hence, why I'm making them Tales T-shirt designs). This is a long post, so yeah.

As you can see from my profile, I'm a 21 year-old Medical student. And let's just say, Medical studies aren't exactly cheap. Top that off with my family being in the lower middle class (actually, borderline lower middle class and lower class) with two students to send to school, all the expenses at home on increasing electrical bills and all that - yeah, we actually have it pretty rough. I know others do have it worse than we do, but I already consider our predicament bad. Not because I have days where I don't eat (I don't, really), but because you can see it in my parents. It's like all the problems we have about money are reflected in everything that they do.

And the saddest thing for me is that I can't do much about it. Or rather, I had the chance to do something about it, but I blew it up. Here's the loong story.

From my 4-year College course until the first year of Medical school, I was actually enjoying a scholarship from a foundation that the owner of our school runs. Thanks to said foundation, I was able to obtain my Bachelor's Degree without my parents spending a centavo for it. It was also thanks to that foundation that I was able to enjoy a free freshman year in Medical school without having to pay the hefty $4,500 (roughly speaking, if you convert it to dollars) tuition fee for that year.

Of course, they don't just up and give you that scholarship. There's always a maintaining grade. And while it was a breeze for me to maintain that grade back in College without working so much, Medicine was an entirely different story.

They weren't kidding when they said Medicine would be hard. It's. So. HARD. Don't get me wrong, I love this course. I'm actually enjoying myself despite the sleepless nights I went through last school year. But it really just is hard. It's like, all the information taught to us in one semester back in College will be crammed into a single three-hour lecture that has more details than ever before. And you're expected to know all that because in exams, they can pretty much ask you anything. Like, after having 18 hours worth of lectures they'll give you a 10-item quiz that may just ask something you forgot to or blatantly did not read on.

And then, it happened. I was incompetent. I wasn't able to adapt early enough into the new studying regime. If back in College, studying the day before the exam was enough, in Medicine, that could just spell your death. In Med, unless you're one of those really smart geniuses in my class, studying the day before would automatically mean that you'll fail an exam. I came to realize that I'd need at least 2 weeks or even more to study for a single exam period, and that my old routines back in College wouldn't work here.

Sadly, I wasn't able to adapt fast enough. Our seniors did say that you're supposed to invest and invest on getting high grades in the first few exam periods because there is no way you'd be able to lift your grades up during the last 2 exam periods, especially during the Finals, where they encompass everything we learned for the whole year, and is notorious for just bringing grades down.

Ultimately, it was my fault. Due to my incompetence, I garnered the worst grades I've ever gotten in my entire life. It makes me literally cry whenever I look at them. Oh, I passed, yeah, but I was way off the mark for the required grade of the scholarship. And because of this, as stated in that 20-page contract I signed with them, I'm off the scholarship.

At least, that's how it usually goes. The foundation isn't exactly cold-hearted. They do give considerations. However, with how bad my grades were (I did great for the minor subjects, passed with flying colors, but for the three major subjects, two barely passing grades and one a few points above the passing grade, yeah) there's this big possibility that they might not consider my case anymore.

Now that wouldn't be so bad usually, right? It'd just mean that we'd have to start paying.

But that's the problem. $4,500 a year (actually it's around $5000 a year now, we have a 10% tuition fee increase)? There's no way my parents can ever cough up that cash. They can, but not without borrowing money, or getting into debt. We're opting for the installment payment (we pay $500 a month) to make things a little easier, but even still, that's a lot.

What hurts me the most is that my parents still ensure me that I don't have to worry about a thing, that it's their responsibility to send me to school, that I don't have to feel sad or down about losing it, that all I have to do is focus on my studies. They tell me that even when they also need an additional $1000 a year for my brother's schooling.

But they don't understand how I feel at all about this. I feel mortified. I feel, no, I know this is all my fault. I feel so terrible that I've actually been crying myself to sleep ever since our grades were released last April 2nd, despite how cheerful I seem here on Tumblr. I feel like I need to do something, at the very least.

Tomorrow, I have to go to our Dean and talk to her about advice and all that. I've actually been trying to do that last week, but the Dean's almost always out, and her secretary has been blatantly brushing me off ever since she found out my grades went downhill (really, wtf). I need to talk to her about what to do, about filing a reconsideration. But like I said above, they might not consider me anymore. At least, I'll try to bargain something like, if I'm able to make the grade this sophomore year, if maybe perhaps I can regain the scholarship for junior year. So I'm mentally and emotionally preparing myself tomorrow, since I know deep down that once the Dean asks what went wrong, or if she asks to explain myself, I'll break down and cry. Because frankly speaking, I really don't know how I'm going to explain myself.

So that's why I started the whole shirts thing. I know I won't be able to make enough for the tuition fee, let alone one month for it. But I'll at least try to ease the burden my parents have to pay in any way I can. Even if it's just a little, I'll try to take it off their hands.

So, to all those who've bought shirts from me, really, thank you very much. You guys have no idea how much that means to me. I'm really, really grateful. You guys are literally the silver lining of my clouds. Each shirt people bought gets me $4 for my tuition fees.

Speaking of clouds with silver linings, this little predicament of mine wasn't completely bad. Because of what happened, I was able to discover true friends in Medical school.

You know guys, back in College, I didn't really have "friends", so to speak. I had "acquaintances", yes, mainly because I was a scholar. That's the only main reason they went with me. But there were so, so many times they forgot about me, they forgot that I existed, that they did things that blatantly hurt my feelings at times. They were this kind of friends: cometcloud.tumblr.com/post/205…

But in Med, I found out that there really still are friends who don't care if you're a scholar or not, who only look at who YOU are. I met amazing people here in Med school that are willing to see me and accept me for who I really am (and accept me for all my Tales fangirling, among other things). It's thanks to them that I finally realized that the scholarship doesn't make me a person.

And in a way, I'm grateful I'm going through this.

But this still will be one heck of an emotional roller coaster.